Some Pharisees came to Jesus to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
There are other marital wrongs that need to be dealt with in a discussion on divorce. What about spouse abuse? What about child abuse? “My husband isn’t committing adultery, but he beats me and the kids. Can’t I legitimately divorce him?”
When I was in elementary school, my father pastored a church in Charlotte, NC. He became aware of women in his congregation whose husbands sometimes became violent toward them and their children. Dad was furious. He thundered from the pulpit about a husband’s responsibility to protect his wife and children and stated how shameful and unmanly it is for any man to strike a woman. In exhorting the women not to allow themselves to be victims, Dad spontaneously suggested, “I wish the next time one of these husbands becomes violent toward his wife, she’d pick up an end table and hit him over the head with it.”
A week or two later, he got a phone call from a man in our church just as our family was heading out the door, “Pastor, could you come by our home? I need to talk with you.”
Dad responded, “I promised the family we would go out tonight, and we’re just headed out the door.”
“Well, I really need to see you. I’d appreciate it if you could just stop by for a few minutes and have a word of prayer with us.”
Dad agreed, and when we stopped in front of their home, I accompanied him to the front door. When the husband came to the door in a t-shirt soaked in his own blood, Dad sent me back to the car while he went inside.
The man began by thanking my dad for coming to his home, “Pastor, we need to talk. I lost my temper and started hitting Mary. She just picked up that table over there and broke it all to pieces over my head. She says you told her to do it.”
Dad said, “She’s right. I did.”
While I can’t recommend my dad’s strategy, I have never forgotten that the husband apparently never hit his wife again. I do not encourage wives to beat their husbands or husbands to beat their wives. But, sometimes when I hear the stories of the cruelty taking place in homes, it makes me wish I could physically intervene to stop it. I can assure you that God is not unmoved by the cruelty and violence occurring in many homes. This does not mean that divorce is okay, however. There are other solutions.
When you make a commitment for life, it’s for better or for worse. You may need to get a legal separation. If you’re in a situation where there is physical violence, I encourage you to get protection. In fact, if there is physical violence, I would strongly urge you to get a legal separation and a restraining order. You need to be protected by the God-ordained power of the state. Read Romans 13.
I know a couple who were legally separated for six months, then they came back together. I know another couple whose separation lasted four years, and then they came back together. I know another couple whose separation lasted twelve years, and they never did come back together. But this woman, who had separated from her husband because it was impossible to keep living with him due to his drug addiction and other problems, died knowing she had been obedient to her Lord. Even though it was painful to live a single life because of someone else’s sin, she had peace. She never deserted her husband. She was loyal and patiently, lovingly waited in hope of his repentance and their reconciliation until her death.
Some people feel they just can’t handle being single. “I don’t see why I should have to suffer because of my mate’s sin.” There’s a good reason why you should have to suffer. You married that person. You took a vow, which included for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death parts us. If you didn’t mean it when you took the vow, you need to know that God meant it when He said you must keep your word. Even if you see no hope of resolution, you are going to die someday and answer to God.
Suppose someone else’s drunken spouse hits me head on as I’m driving down the highway, and I end up in a hospital, unable to communicate, totally paralyzed, but alive. Perhaps I will never again be able to talk to my wife or respond when she talks to me, but sufficient brain life exists to keep my heart and lungs working. There are such cases. Is it right for my wife to have to spend the rest of her life essentially single, bound to a man who lies in a hospital bed? She might have to live with me in that condition for years. Though I’m not saying it would be easy, I am saying it is right for her to remain true to the marriage vow she took. This is what marriage means.
I’ll never forget how awful I felt when, as a teen, I sang at a wedding and heard the vow being made: “As long as our love shall last.” That’s not a marriage vow. It’s a mockery of God’s plan. God will not hold one guiltless for taking His name in vain, and God will not bless such a ceremony.
You must keep your vows. I am not saying you must live with someone who is being violent toward you, but you do not have grounds for divorce unless God says you have grounds for divorce.
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