If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
While dishonesty is wrong, so is false accusation. It is painful to have a mate who lies to you, but it is also painful to be falsely accused of lying. We don’t always know what another person is feeling or saying. Sometimes, your mate simply wants you to be a sounding board to help them sort our their feelings about something that has nothing to with you. It’s good to offer unselfish time and effort.
So, when we’re seeking to help our mate understand us, we must be patient with them, even as we expect them to be patient with us. It’s fine to ask for clarification when trying to understand. It’s fine to say, “What I hear you saying is this,” or to ask, “Is this what you’re saying?” Then, listen to the answer. Ask follow up questions if necessary.
False accusation is a big problem. When you begin to assume, “I know what you’re really saying. I know what you’re trying to do,” and you begin to accuse the other person – whether you are the one listening or speaking – it will be a huge hindrance to communication.
If I say to my wife, “I noticed the ice cream is gone. My favorite flavor (that I just bought two days ago) is all gone. You wouldn’t know what happened to it, would you?” she may hear a veiled accusation. If my wife says to me, “Been on the scale lately?” I wouldn’t take that as an academic question. I’d take that as communicating something else. She’s saying, “You really need to get on the scale while there’s still time.”
We are always interpreting what our mate is saying. We all need to be honest. If my wife thinks I need to shed a few pounds, then saying, “Have you been on the scale lately?” may not be the best way to communicate this. She might start by asking, “How are you feeling?” She could cook a healthy meal. She needs to find a loving way to be honest with me about what she wants to communicate. It’s good for her to care about my health. She loves me and wants to have me around.
As much of a premium as I place on honesty, there are times when I’m not honest with myself; therefore, my communication is not really honest. My wife hears two things at these times: my words and what I really mean. She suspects rightfully that what I said is not what I really mean. I have to confess the truth. Oftentimes, even unconsciously, there’s something else going on. In order to be understood, we have to be honest. We have to work at finding out what is really being communicated.
If you feel pain at something your spouse has just said, be honest and confess your pain. Give your spouse the opportunity to clarify. Don’t risk making a false assumption. Be aware that you may have said or done something hurtful yourself. Be prepared to apologize.
I need to be careful to ask clarifying not accusatory questions. Sometimes, my wife is not ready to deal with what she’s really upset about. It may have nothing to do with me. So, she’s saying something else to cover it up. I think it’s out of line for her to be so upset about what she’s claiming to be upset about. I have to read between the lines and help her get honest with herself. I have to do it lovingly in order to be helpful to her. When I do this, our relationship becomes stronger. She knows I really do care about her.
God wants you to have good communication with your mate. One of the great things about a Christian marriage is that we are not on our own. God has given us to each other. Many times when we’ve been at a communication impasse, we’ve prayed and God has shown us what is really going on. As we begin to address these issues, great healing and bonding occur. God is not way off out there somewhere. God is real, alive and knowable. He’s reaching out to all of us saying, “Come to me. I love you. Don’t feel like you have to make it on your own. I want you to depend on me. I’ll guide you. I’ll instruct you. I’ll help you to love the way you should love.”
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