“Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
How can you tell when you are failing to leave and cleave? It comes out in statements like this, “My mother could get all the food on the table at the same time, while it was still hot.”
“My dad wasn’t always moving from job to job and saying he didn’t know how we were going to pay the bills.”
“My mother got the kids ready for Sunday School by herself.”
“My dad could fix the washing machine.”
What kind of trouble does this kind of statement cause? In addition to the quarrels that arise, these comparisons leave very deep hurts. We do move on, but there’s a sense of rejection created where there ought to be acceptance. It brings about a nagging feeling for your spouse that says, “Somehow I just don’t measure up.”
If this is permitted as a pattern in the relationship, it will keep you from experiencing the kind of oneness God intends for you to enjoy. How can it be avoided? First of all, be honest with yourself about your expectations. Do I love this person? Do I like this person? There are lots of people whom you must love, though you don’t like them. In marriage, you shouldn’t just love each other; you ought to like each other too. If you’re already married to someone you don’t like, you don’t have an excuse for bowing out of the relationship. If you’re not married yet, not only should you ask whether you love a prospective spouse, but you need to ask whether or not you truly like them. This is very important in making the relationship fulfilling, not just lasting.
Ask yourself an important question: “What really bugs me about this person?” Then, ask yourself an even more important question, “Can I talk with this person about it?”
If you can’t talk with your spouse about things that irritate you, your relationship is in trouble. You need to ask, “Is it okay with me if they don’t change?” Do this before you get married, though I guarantee that no matter how many years a couple dates before marriage, there will still be surprises.
Many of the things that surprise us about our mate are totally unconscious on their part. God’s plan is not for couples to live together before they get married to discover the surprises first. We have to take some things in the relationship on faith. We have to be ready to accept certain things that may be unpleasant surprises.
So, what about leaving and cleaving? When you make the marriage commitment, part of the commitment is resolving to put other relationships aside. This doesn’t mean you forget those relationships; it simply means you must resolve not to use other people as a standard by which to measure your mate.
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