Therefore, so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so that I would not exalt myself. Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it would leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.”
Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Susan and I had been married for several years when we learned our first child was on the way. Like typical parents, we had dreamed about our children and had talked about what they would be like. We had chosen names. If it was a girl, she would be Mary Elizabeth. If it was a boy, he was going to be James Paul Wood, II.
When our first child was born, however, there were some surprises. Just like when you get married, there are surprises. When God blessed us with our first child, he wasn’t the child we expected. Our son was born with Spina Bifida, an opening in the spine, which resulted in extensive nerve damage, leaving him a paraplegic. In addition, the doctor said his hydrocephalus had already caused severe brain damage and that life-saving surgery was necessary immediately. Needless to say, this was a lot of new information for Susan and me to process. But, God had not put us in charge of creating our child. He had formed this child in the womb and was entrusting him to our care. He was a unique person, created by God. We had to get to know this new little man God has sent into our family.
After his birth, there were many medical complications. We didn’t know what the future would hold. There have been over 40 surgeries in the years that followed. This introduces tremendous stress to a marriage. Over 80% of couples who have a child with a birth defect end up divorcing.
Suddenly, all of our dreams and plans had to be set aside. We weren’t even sure whether James Paul Wood, II was the most appropriate name. The pre-born child we had named James Paul Wood, II was the imaginary child – the one we dreamed up. During those first couple of days after our son was born, we decided his name would be James Paul Wood, II, and we would call him Paul.
Our Paul would be taught from early childhood about an apostle who was used by God to bring healing to many other people, but who himself continued to suffer with a physical affliction after praying on three occasions for God to remove his “thorn in the flesh.” God finally spoke to the apostle and said, “My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness.” We discovered that even though our plans were not to be, God‘s plan was being brought to bear in our lives. In order to love my oldest son the way God wanted me to love him, I had to bury the imaginary son.
When you get married, you will find that the person to whom you are married is not your ideal. Your mate will be imperfect. Their weaknesses will increasingly become obvious to you. You’re going to marry a sinner; there’s no one else available. If you’re a Christian, you had better marry a Christian. This is God’s command. Even so, you will marry someone who has faults and little peculiarities and lots of things you didn’t pick up on until after you married them. Realize in those moments, as your spouse’s imperfections are staring you in the face, that if you had married someone who was truly perfect your life would be unbearable.
Can you imagine being married to someone who is perfect? How inadequate would you feel? It’s bad enough to be married to someone who thinks they’re always right. What if they were always right?
Don’t try to make your spouse measure up to someone else. Remember that those people with whom you are tempted to compare your spouse are not perfect either. What most of us have in our minds is a composite ideal person made of bits and pieces we have liked in others. Someone told me he didn’t think his brother would ever marry because he’d never find “Farrah ten Boom,”, a reference to actress Farrah Fawcett and the saintly Corrie ten Boom. We laugh at such a notion, but I know a lot of men who would like to be married to someone who looks like Cindy Crawford and is as unselfish as Mother Teresa. Get rid of the fantasy person you have been creating in your mind. This is part of dying to self. That person doesn’t exist and never will. Don’t make problems in your marriage by insisting on a fantasy. And don’t feed fantasies by reading things you shouldn’t read.
Love the person you married. Remember, love isn’t how you feel; it’s what you do. It’s how you treat that other person. As you love your mate unconditionally, you will free them to blossom in the context of your acceptance. Do you want to help each other grow? Then, pour on the affirmation, not criticism. Set an example for your spouse. As the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13, keep no record of wrongs.
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