“… A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” Gen. 2:24.
It is essential for a man to leave his father and mother in order to become the leader of his own unique family. This is a hard task. It is also important for a wife to submit to her husband’s leadership and make his job easier for him. This can be an even harder task. However, there are four phrases that I have shared with thousands of couples to help in accomplishing this.
I’ve heard back from hundreds of these couples that these four phrases have made an enormous impact in improving their marriages. While these phrases may sound canned when you first begin saying them to your spouse, saying them as often as needed will make a difference in the growth and stability of your relationship.
First, when you can tell your spouse is hurting, say, “I’m sorry.” These are very important words, but you’d be surprised how many people find it almost impossible to say them. I believe one reason is because many people don’t understand what the phrase “I’m sorry” means. Whenever anyone you care about is hurting, you should share in their sorrow. I’m sorry is not an admission of fault; it is an expression of sympathy. Jesus said that we must learn to weep with those who weep.
Sometimes, when I have said, “I’m sorry” to a person who has suffered some misfortune or misunderstanding, their response is, “It’s not your fault.”
I know it’s not my fault; that’s why I didn’t apologize. I’m offering my sympathy, not confessing guilt. If a person on the other side of town from me has a house fire and loses their possessions, I don’t have to know them personally to feel sorrow at their plight. If a friend falls down his front steps and breaks his arm, I don’t have to have pushed him down the steps to say, “I’m sorry.” Likewise, if your spouse is hurting, whether or not you caused the pain, it is important to be able to say, “I’m sorry.” You must be able to say these words if you want a good marriage.
However, in those situations where you contributed to your mate’s pain, it is essential that you also admit your fault and say, “That was wrong of me.” Then, confess what you did wrong. Don’t explain to them what they did that you consider wrong. Confess what you know you did wrong, and don’t make excuses for it. If you compared your spouse to your mother or to your father or someone else in an unfavorable way, say, “I’m sorry. I was unfair.” If your words were harsh, say, “I’m sorry. I was harsh and unkind.” If you weren’t honest, say, “I’m sorry. I was dishonest.”
Some people can say, “I’m sorry,” but find it virtually impossible to admit when they are wrong. Occasionally, I see people who will admit they were wrong, but then make it very clear they aren’t sorry for their behavior. If our marriage is to be what God intends, we must learn to be able to honestly say, “I’m sorry. That was wrong of me.”
The third statement is also vital. Once we admit what we did was wrong, we need to follow up with the words, “Please, forgive me.” Notice this phrase is a request, not a question. It is not best to ask, “Do you forgive me?” That question places the responsibility and resolution of the conflict on the offended party. The question pushes the other person. “Come on now. I admitted what I did wrong and said I’m sorry, so now you have to forgive me, right? The Bible says we’re supposed to forgive one another. You have to forgive me. So, is everything okay now? Am I forgiven?”
When we behave like this, pressuring our spouse to respond, we are trying to grab control. We’re using our words to coerce and manipulate, rather than accepting the vulnerability that love requires. Don’t demand an immediate response. You want genuine forgiveness. You want to allow your mate to process their hurt feelings and deal with them positively. When I say, “Please, forgive me,” I am confessing my need for mercy. I am the offender, and I am in no position to make demands.
You may feel your mate has committed a greater offense than you have. Don’t wait for them to do the right thing. This isn’t just about the two of you. This is about obeying God. Trust him and follow his command to seek reconciliation. Even when your mate doesn’t acknowledge fault, you will have done the right thing.
When you have hurt your spouse, you need to begin to repair the breach by affirming your commitment to them and your desire to love them unconditionally, embracing your marriage to them as a gift from God. The fourth phrase is important, too. Practice saying to your spouse, “I’m glad I’m married to you.”
It may help you to consider the fact that God intends to use your mate as a tool to draw you closer to him. You may feel you deserve someone other than the person you married. And, indeed your mate may be behaving in a way that is reprehensible. But, regardless of how wrong they are, we should all be glad we don’t get what we deserve. If God gave us what we truly deserve, we’d all go straight to hell.
If I focus on my mate’s faults, I will never improve my own character, and it is unlikely she will improve much either. But, if I learn to recognize my faults and focus on her strengths, both of us are likely to get better. Attitude is important. These phrases can be modified and helpful in other relationships too.
Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the man who ran the gas station on the edge of town. A customer asked him, “We’re thinking of moving here, and I just wondered what the people in this community are like?”
“Well that’s hard to say. What are the people like where you come from?” the attendant responded.
“Oh, they’re just great. Everybody is so kind and generous. They all look out for one another, and we’ve really enjoyed living there.”
“Well, I’d say that’s pretty much what you’ll find here. Yeah, I think that’s a good description of our community.”
“Thanks,” the man said and drove away.
Later, another customer asked the attendant the same question. “We’re thinking of moving here, and we wondered if you could tell us what the people are like?”
“Well, that’s hard to say. What were the people like where you came from?”
“They were just terrible. It seems like everybody was just out for what they could get for themselves. Nobody wanted to be our friends, and we couldn’t trust anybody.”
“I hate to say it, but I’m afraid that’s pretty much what you’ll find around here.”
However many faults you notice in your spouse, remember they have to put up with an awful lot in you. When you realize that your attitude makes a world of difference in your relationship, it makes it easier to honestly say, “I’m glad I’m married to you.”
Sometimes phrases two and three don’t apply. Perhaps your spouse is upset, but it’s not because you did anything wrong. You should still feel sorrowful. You are ONE with that person. When they hurt, you should hurt. You should say “I’m sorry,” even when you have done nothing wrong. You can say, “I’m sorry you’re hurting.” Then, be sure to demonstrate in word and deed, “I’m glad I’m married to you.”
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