Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
God designed the marriage relationship to offer a tremendous new dimension of acceptance in our lives. Because my mate accepts me unconditionally, I have greater freedom to be honest and vulnerable. While I am to be honest in all my dealings as a Christian, in marriage I can be unguarded and transparent. I can confide my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, even my very life in my mate.
However, even when we accept our mate unconditionally, there are certain gender differences that will sometimes provide a challenge. Understanding these differences will go a long way in helping to improve communication.
For instance, men tend to be more visually oriented, and women tend to be more auditory and verbally oriented. Women actually have superior hearing. This is not because of cultural conditioning, but it has been documented with scientific hearing tests. Women hear certain things that men donāt hear, like the sounds a baby makes in the night.
Men tend to be hunter-gatherer types, always searching the horizon and always on the move. Women tend to be nesters, wanting to settle down and make things comfortable and secure. This is why there are fights over the remote control. He wants to channel surf, and she cares less what they watch, as long as they actually watch it.
Men feel a need to solve problems and donāt feel good unless they have a problem to solve. Then, they donāt feel good until they have solved the problem. Once the problem is solved, they need another problem to solve, even if they have to create the problem. Men need to have a task or a mission.
Women want empathy, not solutions. It helps a husband enormously to understand that when his wife is telling him about her problems at the end of the day, she does not want him to solve her problems. Men think women are looking for a solution, and so they suggest something that seems like a simple solution to them. When the woman hears his proposed solution, instead of feeling gratitude, she responds with anger at the perceived insult. She feels that her problem has been trivialized. Sheās hurt. She didnāt want a solution; she just wanted understanding and empathy. She wanted to hear, āIām so sorry. How did that make you feel? . . . and she said what?” She wants her husband to care about her. She doesn’t want solutions. She wants to process her feelings and to commiserate, and then sheāll feel better.
There are sometimes situations when a wife is looking for solutions. When the washing machine has just overflowed, she doesn’t want her husband to say, āOh, Iām so sorry, and how does that make you feel?ā She wants him to fix the machine. But, much of the time when a wife is talking about her problems, she just wants her husband to care enough to listen.Ā When a wife wants to tell her husband about a number of problems, which is often the case, he feels he is being given a list of projects to do, and he is unable to process how heās going to solve all these problems at once. And, at the same time, heās working on another problem heās got going on at work or in another area of his life. He canāt relate to the fact that his wife is not asking him to solve her problems; she just wants him to care enough about her to know what’s going on in her life.
A wife needs to understand that her husband feels overwhelmed with the problems and is going to want to pose solutions. Whether his solutions are good or not, he wants to be respected as the problem solver. He wants to feel he is doing his job well.
A man needs to feel respected. A woman needs to feel cherished. Does this mean women don’t need respect? Definitely not, Peter says specifically men are to treat their wives with respect. However, men are much more concerned about being respected, women are much more in need of feeling cherished. While wives should cherish their husbands, a man needs to be shown respect in order to feel fulfilled.
This is why when men propose solutions and feel like their solutions arenāt appreciated, they feel disrespected. They tend to become defensive and to retreat emotionally. A wife needs to know this about her husband. And a husband needs to provide an environment of security and nurture, where his wife feels really special, prized and precious in her husbandās eyes.
Sexually, men are quickly aroused and quickly satisfied; women are more slowly aroused and their arousal lasts longer. If you do not understand this about your mate, you will think there is something very wrong, and you will have a hard time achieving harmony in your physical relationship. Knowing simple biological facts helps couples work together to fulfill each otherās needs.
These are broad categories to illustrate general differences between men and women. If you want good communication, you need to seek to understand your mate. Youāre not married to someone whoās just like you. Youāre married to someone who is intentionally designed to be different from you, and opposites attract. This is the reality.
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