Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:29-32

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 15:4

Confession involves being totally open and honest with God. But remember, honesty does not mean we say to other people whatever comes to mind. We should choose “what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).

Why does it say, “those who listen?” Often our communication goes beyond the scope of the one for whom we intend it. There may be children listening to the way their mom and dad are communicating with each other. Being sensitive to the presence of our children is an important parental responsibility. If we say things to our mate that are unhelpful, our mate is not the only one who gets hurt. Our children get hurt, too.

I’ve had adults say to me that some of their most painful childhood memories involved overhearing their parents’ communication. One person spoke of hearing their father say to their mother over and over, year after year, “You’re crazy.” I don’t think this father necessarily meant his spouse was clinically insane; it was simply a derogatory put-down. But, that was an extremely vivid, painful memory for the adult who had grown up in that environment. It hurts so much to see Mom or Dad belittled and ridiculed, especially by each other. We need to be careful that what we say is helpful, beneficial and suited to the need of the other person. Say things that are both true and beneficial. Sometimes correction can be helpful, but the correction needs to be offered in a kind way.

My father was a master with words. Years after he went to heaven, his poetry continues to touch our hearts. Dad could give a rebuke in an extremely helpful and memorable way, because His words were chosen carefully. In an earlier post I referenced a conversation with my dad in which I told him I found high school boring and tedious. I was sixteen and wanted to spend all my time sharing the gospel. I told my dad I didn’t understand the need to finish school.

Among other things, he said, “Son, you have a gift for speaking, and you know a lot for a young man. People enjoy listening to someone your age saying what you have to say, but when you’re thirty-five, it won’t be impressive anymore. It’s a little like a talking dog. People will buy tickets to see it once.”

What Dad was saying was true. I knew a lot about the Bible for a sixteen-year-old. To hear a teenager preach was pretty impressive stuff. But, it was not going to be impressive when I wasn’t sixteen anymore. If I had refused to study, grow and develop beyond that point, I would have had a short ministry.

When we fail to be honest with ourselves, it undermines our ability to make ourselves understood. If I have sold myself a bill of goods and now I’m trying to get my spouse to believe this bill of goods, I’m going to have trouble communicating. This creates suspicion, misunderstanding and all kinds of problems. If you want intimacy in your marriage, honesty has to begin with you.

Honesty means we are careful to be honest with ourselves, to be honest with God, and to be honest with our mate. If we will work on the honesty part, while choosing those things that are helpful and beneficial for the other person, and not manipulative, we’ll find it’s a whole lot easier to make ourselves understood. Always be honest.

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When Two Become One