Forgiveness and Trust, part 3

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs.  Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In order to forgive, we must be forgiven. In order to trust, we must be trustworthy. What does this mean? People who are not trustworthy find it almost impossible to trust others. So, how do we build trust? For one thing, it means we must be honest. This isn’t a case of telling everything we know. Rather, it involves acting responsibly with what has been entrusted to us. If we’re going to learn to trust others, we must start by being trustworthy ourselves.

I cannot have the kind of trust God intends in my marriage, unless I’m willing to be honest with my mate. But, I also cannot experience the kind of trust God intends for the marriage relationship, unless I behave responsibly with what my mate has entrusted to me in confidence. This not only means I will not share information I shouldn’t with other people, it means I will not use confidential information from my mate as emotional blackmail in future arguments. I will avoid any conduct harmful to my mate’s ability to have confidence in me. I will not only be moral in my conduct; I will seek to avoid even the appearance of evil. This is part of acting responsibly with what has been entrusted to me. I do not want anything to cause shame or pain for my beloved.

This vital element of trust is one of the chief reasons why God in his mercy has said that sex should only be enjoyed within the context of marriage. He gives each couple the opportunity to earn trust with one another by allowing us to experience intense desire and yet resist temptation before marriage. He gives us a unique opportunity to lay a foundation of trust during the courtship and engagement period. I know my wife has faced temptation before we were married, because I faced the same temptation. But, because we honored God by waiting until we were married to express our love for one another in physical union, I know how my wife deals with temptation. We’ve already been there together.

Some couples say to me, “What’s the harm with enjoying sex when we know we’re going to get married? We’ve already set the date, so what’s the problem?” The problem is you are destroying a wonderful opportunity God has given you – you’ll never have another opportunity like it to build trust in your relationship. You can’t go back and do that part over again. God gives us a chance before we’re married to show we are trustworthy – to earn trust. God’s not a killjoy. God is not out to spoil our pleasure. God wants us to enjoy life to the full, and his design is intended to maximize our joy.

Do you want to have the greatest relationship possible? Then, obey God’s plan. You will show one another that you’re trustworthy. You’ll build trust into your relationship. If you violate God‘s plan, you violate each other’s trust, and this lack of trust will resurface through the years in your marriage relationship.

I have counseled with enough couples to see again and again the pain that results when trust is lacking. Were you trustworthy with each other before you got married? Or, did you demonstrate for each other back then, “Even though we know what God says, we don’t do what God says, and so, of course, we can’t trust each other now.” Imagine how much better it is to know victory is possible, because you have experienced it already.

Suppose you didn’t lay the right foundation. It is possible, though extremely difficult, to go back and put in a new foundation. How do you start? Start with prayer. Begin with confession. Confess your sin to God. Be specific with God – for your benefit, not His. True confession means agreeing with God that what you did was wrong. Don’t give God your excuses. He isn’t interested in excuses.

God forgives sins, not excuses.

Repent and turn from any conduct that undermines trust in your marriage relationship. Tell God you will turn from sin and follow Jesus. Tell your spouse that with God’s enabling power, you will seek to build trust into the marriage relationship. In your prayer, commit yourself to obedience. Simply tell him, “Lord, I want to do what is right. Please, help me.”

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