“If God intends sex to be an expression of love between a man and a woman who are married to each other, doesn’t any sexual activity between husband and wife require mutual consent?”
I was intrigued one Sunday morning as I walked through the corridors of a large church my wife and I were attending. Man after man approached me smiling, reaching out to shake my hand. The typical comment was, “Thank you so much. Your wife did a great job at the women’s retreat yesterday. I hope she can speak to the women again.”
I was eager to get home and discuss with my wife what she had shared with the women during the daylong retreat, which evoked such enthusiasm in their husbands. It was easy for her to remember the essence of what she had said that might have made an impact in these husbands’ lives.
Susan shared with me: “I told them I had come to a realization concerning the meaning of mutual consent in I Corinthians. In our culture mutual consent means both parties must agree to participate in a sexual relationship. This implies that, ‘Unless I feel like it, my husband has no right to expect me to perform sexually.’ I have learned that what Paul is saying is that when I took my marriage vows before God, I was agreeing to give my body to my husband. Sex is expected to be a very regular part of the marriage relationship.
“It is permissible to abstain in order to devote yourselves to fasting and prayer, but it is not advisable to do this for extended periods. I told them that the thought had never occurred to me to abstain from sex in order to fast and pray. I had sometimes used other excuses, but if I want to obey the Lord, the Bible makes it clear that sex is expected to be an essential and regular part of married life. A husband, nor a wife for that matter, should have to plead for sex, verbally or nonverbally. If you’re married, you have already agreed to gratify your partner’s sexual desires. Once I understood this, it changed the way I view sex and my enjoyment of it. I even told the women, ‘Contrary to the popular excuse of avoiding sex because of a headache, I’ve found sex to be a wonderful cure for a headache.’”
Obviously, there are times when sexual intercourse becomes a physical impossibility, but sex is more than intercourse, and married partners are to do everything within their power to meet each other’s needs sexually.
The apostle Paul’s words in I Corinthians 7 deserve careful attention: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” My body is not my own. And the implications of this truth concern much more than sex.
Do you remember the book from the seventies titled, Our Bodies, Ourselves? That was a landmark book that promoted both abortion and homosexuality in our country. It was a feminist manifesto concerning the body. One of the creeds of the feminist movement and of the pro-abortion movement concerned the idea that my body belongs to me.
There are a lot of people in evangelical Christianity who don’t subscribe to this creed, who are not pro-abortion and not pro-homosexual, but who exhibit an attitude that says, “My body belongs to me.”
God says “No!” Ultimately, my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and relationally, my body belongs not just to me but also to my wife. Her body belongs not just to her but also to me. This means how I treat my body and how I condition my body doesn’t just impact me and isn’t just my business.
I can assure you that the main reason I engage in physical exercise, those times when I work out, is because of my wife. It matters to her. I really don’t care. You ask, “Don’t you feel better when you work out?” No, not really. I get aches and pains when I work out. The reason my working out matters to my wife is not because she’s visually oriented, but because she wants me to live. She keeps saying, “I want you around. I love you. I want to spend our old age together.” I like hearing that, so I work out.
What I do with my body doesn’t just impact me. My body belongs to my wife. This applies to physical conditioning and bodily presence, too. If my body belongs to her, she has a right to expect my presence. I can’t just say, “I’m sorry. I’m too busy.” If she wants to have my body at home with her, guess where I need to make sure my body shows up? I can’t use excuses. I need to be there. She has the biblical right to expect me to be around. I have a right to expect her time as well.
Giving myself in marriage is not only about sex; it is also about making myself available to her. I have a responsibility to use my body for her good and for her pleasure, including moving furniture and doing yard work. The good news is that her body also belongs to me. I can tell her about what I want and what pleases me, and she needs to do her best to serve me with her body. If, as you read this, the images that come to mind are frightening, it may be an indication that your relationship with your mate lacks the foundational trust God intends in marriage.
It creates tremendous security and trust in the relationship if a husband makes it clear that his wife’s needs and desires take precedence in his life. Susan has often said, “People ask how I can stand all the time demands made on my pastor husband. It has never been uncommon for him to receive a call at 3 am to go to the hospital to visit someone in crisis. And when he is asked to travel and speak, I am glad for him to go. I am able to say with confidence that the reason I can handle this is because I know wherever he is, at any given time, if I contact him, he will come to me as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter what other people want, he will put my needs first. Therefore, it doesn’t bother me that other people need his time. I know he won’t make excuses if I need him. He’ll come whenever I call. This confidence in his integrity makes it easier to share him with others.” It does make a difference when you feel secure, both for husband and wife.
When it comes to issues including medical problems, hormone imbalance, psychological problems, or sexual abuse, there is help available. You have a responsibility to seek professional help if you need it. However, my biggest concern is the fact that the world continually conveys to us the same message Satan gave to Eve a long time ago: “You can’t believe what God says. He just wants to keep you from having fun.” You must believe God and do what He says in order to find joy. God has created this life that we might bring Him glory, and as we do what we were intended to do, we will discover real joy.
If you’re struggling and you’re not sure whether you’re ready to submit your life to the Lordship of Christ, consider His love for you. He gave His life for you, taking the punishment for your sin, so you could receive the gift of an abundant life in Him. He doesn’t want to ruin your fun. He doesn’t want to rob you of good things. He wants to bless you. But, you’ll never discover the joy, the purpose, and the peace God intends for your life until you submit yourself to Him.
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